"GEE" by yours truly
One fine day the faculty in the physics department of
the University of Rectangular Circle (URC) decided that they needed one of
those things they call innovations. Since the least damage could be done
to the undergraduate labs they chose those. So far so prudent. Then they
elected a faculty member in charge of the Big Innovation (BI) and to make
sure the BI was absolutely radical they chose someone who had the minimal
clue about the labs of the old style for he never taught them. To put it
in a more scholarly manner, they chose someone with no prejudices so that
he could screw things up completely freely. Which he did. The minimal clue
faculty member (MCFM) had an assistant who happened to be majoring in
physics education, which means that his clue about physics was sub infinitesimal,
but that was fine because the BI was to be so radical that physics was
absurdly irrelevant anyway. The equipment theft deterrent service (ETDS)
people aka TA's were not clued in on the plans of the BI at all, because
they would only make all these smart comments that would only embarrass
the Great Architects (GA) of the BI. To avoid any embarrassment at all,
the GA's decided to present the BI as the Great Educational Experiment
(GEE). At this point physics is ordered to take a back seat and is beaten
each time it tries to say anything or even to lean forward. When the
historians of GEE finally reveal the path of reasoning of the GA's and the
development of GEE, it will probably look like this:
1) let's divide 12 by 3 and see what we get (12 is the number of labs in
the old style, 3 is the highest number the GA's can think of without
getting dizzy)
2) they get 4 and check this result for another week (it may take so long
if you are dizzy all the time)
-one week later
3) let's have 4 cycles per semester (they introduce the revolutionary
concept of cycles to dumbfound the ETDS people totally completely)
4) let's have a beer
-when the hangover is over (ca 2 days later)
5) let's have one experiment per cycle
-2 months later
6) an ETDS member who accidentally learns about GEE tells the MCFM that
having 1 experiment per cycle leaves 2 weeks of each cycle free
-2 weeks later
7) the assistant of the MCFM gives a departmental talk on how having 1
experiment per cycle leaves 2 weeks of each cycle free (he shows this
explicitly on his calculator; the faculty members do not wake up until the
very end of the talk when the MCFM wakes everybody up with a thunderous
clapping; the ETDS people ask some provocative questions, but do not stage
a rally hoping they will graduate before the clueless take over the
department completely; the faculty members fall asleep again)
-the day after
8) the calculator of the MCFM assistant that was used for the calculations
during the talk jumps out of a window and commits suicide; it leaves a
blinking message on its display that reads MRON (the ETDS people will
later claim the calculator the first victim of GEE and will spread rumors
that in the official version of the accident one 'O' in MRON was dropped)
-a week later
9) the chairman of the department nominates the MCFM for the Outnobel
Prize (the Outnobel Prize was established by some famous Harvard dropout
in 2002, in the same year in which Steve Wozniak, Steve Jobs, and the
garage they built their first computer in were awarded the first Nobel
Prize in computing; the ETDS people will later claim that the chairman
wanted to get rid of the MCFM- it is true that most of the outnobels, as
they were called, would quickly end their academic careers and became
playboys since the exorbitant amount of money that came with the prize,
10-20 times that of the Nobel prize, and rather cheap Viagra would spoil
them completely)
-two days later
10) the ETDS people nominate the calculator for the post-mortem Linda
Tripp Award (somewhat controversial in some circles, the Linda Tripp Award
was established in 2003 to acknowledge people dedicated to revealing the
truth)
-one day later
11) a faculty member who did not attend the talk of the MCFM assistant and
thus did not participate in the ritual faculty sleep asks the MCFM what
they are planning to do with the free weeks
-two months later
12) the MCFM understands the question
-another month later
13) the assistant of the MCFM begins to understand the question
-two weeks later
14) an ETDS member is asked by the MCFM what he would do if he had two
free weeks
-a week later
15) the MCFM gives a departmental talk on how serving pizza and beer
during the remaining two weeks of each cycle could attract students to
physics (the faculty members wake up each time the MCFM says
"beer", some ETDS people criticize the idea saying that they
already drink enough beer and suggest that the faculty members guard the
equipment during those 2 weeks; they also say that if the department pays
for the beer and pizza, it should also compensate them for their beer
expenses; more radical of them suggest that they too ought to be
compensated for their escort service expenses because the local girls
panic when they hear the word "physics"; the chairman wakes up
each time someone says "compensation")
-a week later
16) the chairman announces the solution: he will drink beer for everyone
and will test how expensive the escort service is to find out whether the
department can afford to compensate for it (he suggests that the ETDS
people let students leave earlier if they get tired of guarding the
equipment and that during the third week of the cycle they can watch
movies or read Playboy which he will share with them)
-a month later
17) the ETDS people stage a rally because the escort service has been so
busy lately that it stopped taking their orders and they cannot go on like
that any longer (they demand that the chairman stop testing)
-a week later
18) the chairman stops sharing Playboy with the ETDS people and announces
that the department cannot afford paying their escort service expenses
(instead of watching movies, he introduces the presentations during which
the students are supposed to present their work)
-a day later
19) the ETDS people consider this a retaliation for their recent rally and
demand they watch movies as before and that the department buy them
Playboy (they threaten to go on grading strike if their conditions are not
met)
-two weeks later
20) an agreement is reached (the ETDS people get a raise so that they can
afford a Playboy subscription but have to agree on the presentations)
Written in Columbia, SC in the spring of 1999. Only small
modifications since then.