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Jay Leno's jokes about Democrats
It's hard to find a specimen more pathetic than the American Democrat. These are the people who have lost two elections in a row to the same guy who by many, if not most, Americans is considered the worst President in the US history. So how exactly do you accomplish something like that? Well, for that you really have to be pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, pathetic, or to make it shorter, but that still means the same, you have to be pathetic like a Democrat.
Do you think they will win this time around? Ever since Barack Obama declared his candidacy, I have been rooting for him. He would certainly be a much better choice than Gore or Kerry in the most recent past, but what if he is not nominated? Well, then I will probably have to add one more "pathetic" to the above definition of "pathetic like a Democrat." Hillary's chances of capturing the White House are not so great, in my view. Moreover, and even more importantly, this country needs a leader that would inspire it and I doubt Hillary can fill in these shoes as she is a bit too conventional.
Here are some jokes about the Democrats by Jay Leno. I don't have any jokes about Republicans. The tragedy of America these days is that the jokes about Republicans have not been particularly funny for way too long, and so I will rather not quote them here.
1. "Democratic leader Tom Daschle has been whining all over TV, saying that Rush Limbaugh and other talk show hosts have been inciting violence against Democrats. Which is illegal you know, attacking an endangered species."
2. "The Democrats have selected Boston, Massachusetts, as the site of their 2004 Democratic Convention. The convention will be held in September. This way the Red Sox and the Democrats can face mathematical elimination together."
3. "It's amazing how quickly the news changes. I mean it's hard to believe just ten days ago we believed Osama Bin Laden was dead, the Democratic party was alive."
4. "Because the election was such a disaster for the Democrats, it looks like the leader of the party might be stepping down. But enough about Barbra Streisand."
5. "In Ohio, some people will be going to the polls to re-elect disgraced Congressman James Trafficant, even though he's currently in prison. I guess if he's a congressman and already in jail, it saves a step."
6. "Senator Robert Torricelli of New Jersey is stepping down after controversy. In a teary-eyed speech to his constituents today he said, 'I’ve given you 20 years of my life.' He said that — and in all fairness I think that's what he'll be getting — 20 years to life."
7. "Here's a great story. Incoming Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, he's driving on vacation in Florida, saw an SUV that overturned on the highway, stopped, got out of the car, jumped over and helped the victims until the paramedics arrived. In fact, this is being called the closest thing Republicans have ever had for providing health care to people. He was not the only senator who stopped at the accident. John Edwards, the trial lawyer, stopped and chased the ambulance all the way to the hospital."
8. "This Traficant guy is just nuts. In fact, he is going to run for re-election from his prison cell. The main issue of his campaign — outlawing sodomy."
9. "Ohio Congressman James Traficant, disgraced and expelled from Congress for bribery, extortion and tax evasion. Of course, the biggest offense in the eyes of Congress, he got caught."
10. "Don't count Traficant out, though. He said he's going to run from prison. When you think about it, that's about the best place to put together a political team. Look at who you've got in there, fellow politicians, corporate executives, legal advisors, financial geniuses, it's just like the outside."
11. "Today is the anniversary of the Watergate break-in. That's the day the Republicans tried to steal the Democrat's plans. That's also the last time the Democrats had any plans worth stealing. It's also the last time a Republican president had a plan and actually carried it out."
12. "Did you see Carter and Castro meeting together — dining together? The last time a president embraced a Cuban like that he got impeached."
13. "The Democrats said today that if they were in power they could get Israel to pull out of Palestine. Oh, shut up. They couldn't even get Bill to pull out of Monica."
14. "California Governor Gray Davis is returning a $10,000 campaign contribution when he found out it was from the owners of a strip club. To his credit, he's going to return the money to the girls one dollar at a time."
15. "On Wednesday, President Bush named the Justice Department headquarters after Robert F. Kennedy. Then he went around the corner and named a strip club after Ted."
16. "It seems former Attorney General Janet Reno may run for Governor of Florida against Jeb Bush. She could be tough to beat, she has a great slogan, 'Janet Reno, Best Man For The Job.' ... They asked her about the rumors that Jeb Bush may have had an affair with a former Playboy Playmate. Janet Reno said, 'That lucky son-of-a-gun.'"
17. "Jesse Jackson's in trouble. They're going after this tax thing. Jesse said he will amend his taxes to show the money that he paid to his mistress. See, he has just one mistress. Jesse uses the standard mistress deduction. As opposed to Clinton, who had to itemize."
18. "It seems Monica Lewinsky is on the loose again, teaming up with HBO to do a documentary about her affair with Bill Clinton. It's not really a documentary. It will be more of an oral history."
19. "A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine."
20. "It gives a new meaning to affirmative action. She said, 'Do you want some action?' He said, 'Affirmative.'" — on Jesse Jackson's extramarital affair
21. "Here's the worst part about this whole thing. During the impeachment trial, Jesse Jackson was Bill Clinton's spiritual adviser. In fact, that's where Bill and Monica got that cigar. Jesse was passing them out: 'Here you go! It's a girl! It's a girl!"
Full Political Disclosure: I am an independent with a libertarian bias. That's the only sane option in the country run by hypocritical losers (Democrats) and notorious <expletive> (Republicans).
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